I'd Rather Work For Love (tm)
As I walk away from thousands of hours of hard work; of designing the best work of my life; of hitting the pavement for sales; of killing my feet walking trade shows which are 99% trademarked trash; as I say good bye to commerce I know that there are lessons here. Valuable lessons for everyone. I have been working on Dustpan Alley for almost four years now and I am mentally, physically, emotionally, and now fiscally drained. Point blank.
Was it a waste? Right now it absolutely feels like a 100% waste. It has cost us $100, 000 to find out that I am not capable of being a successful business woman. So yes, if I could go back, I would not do it again. Because if I had not chased a dream I would probably not be having to let go of my healthcare. I would probably not have to get a gas station job in the near future. I might still be able to cherish the fantasy that maybe there is some part of me capable of being a success. Once you’ve come this far, there is no room left for dreams.
- Business is always personal. Anyone you encounter in business who says “it’s not personal” is trying to make themselves feel better for having bested you in some way. It doesn’t make a person bad for saying it, it shows they feel bad about winning. If you are ever tempted to say that to someone, think very carefully about how honest that is. I’ve had it said to me today and it added insult to injury. There are few things more personal to each of us than our ability to succeed.
I set out to heal during the next thirty days and have unwittingly set off a bomb in my own house. How much longer will it take to recover now? I am shell shocked, they can fix that, right? I am right up against the demons of the past now. I have been told many times that I am not capable of making it in the world. The constant refrain in my head since I was, well, for as long as I have had memory, is “FAILURE”. There is honestly nothing to back up a claim to the contrary. At every possible turn I prove that those voices are true. It never really stops hurting.
The expected thing is for me to say that I’m going to be OK. Because that’s my job. To make sure that everyone else can sleep at night while I lie awake in the close darkness and try not to hear the world screaming. Saying that I’m going to be OK is like saying that business isn’t personal. It’s just what I say to make myself feel better because worrying others with the truth will only make me feel bad for making the rain come for everyone else. I’m not going to insult anyone today with my usual lies. I don’t know if I’m going to be OK. That’s like trying to predict weather.
- Before design comes law. Learn it now if you are a designer and don’t know it. The most insidious thing I’ve found out today is that a person can have something trademarked but opt to have the information invisible on the USPTO website so that if you want to know if something you’ve thought up is already trademarked before you invest time and money into it you must make a formal inquiry with the trademark office.
I will have no part in a business in which you must first run everything that comes out of your head across a lawyer. This is more and more how everything is going. The government owns seeds now whose volunteers they also own, so that even if those volunteers end up in your back yard through no fault of your own they can prosecute you for theft in a court of law.
Design ideas are much the same. People are buying up words, phrases, names, and ideas at such an intense rate that there is no way for any of us to keep up with it all. “Branding” is a word that I have decided to have no truck with. It’s evil. Yep, those who do it are always going to make more than me. But the only people who make less than me right now are most likely on welfare.
Because I am a conscientious person I never thought I’d have to find this stuff out. I don’t copy people’s ideas. I don’t lift people’s work. Unfortunately I didn’t realize that people could own words now that aren’t names of brands. Philip has pointed out that the patent and trademark office are perfectly willing to hand out indefensible trademarks to people. But who wants to go against that? Don’t think you own your own ideas until you check the patent and trademark office.
I’m not going to “brand” myself. When I said I sold my soul to the devil, I was kidding.
I know that all along the way there have been people who knew I wouldn’t make it. I could tell by the kinds of questions they asked. I could tell by the tone of their voices as they suggested that Philip get “real” work while we opened our store. I could tell by the alarm in so many people’s voices. Don’t worry. I don’t hold it against you. I just want to say- “hey, good call.”
It is lucky for us that we can’t even afford for me to stay on my healthcare right now because if we had more money I might find myself trying to win again. It’s time for that to stop. All I have is my big fat mouth and my writing. Which I know has given some people headaches, makes lots of people uncomfortable, almost loses me friends, and never ever stops.
I am letting go. I realized today that this, more than the bitterness, is what I’m meant to let go of. From today forward I will not worry like a mother hen about how much traffic comes to my blog. I will still write it because outside of my men folk, my pets, and my home, it’s the best thing I have going in my life. I love all the friends I’ve made here and hopefully you all will keep visiting- please don’t go! But there is no business end to this. I want to share what I know, what I learn, and what I’m thinking for free. I will keep Blogher on site so that if by some weird chance Armageddon strikes and I start getting heavy traffic, maybe I can buy myself a new stock pot.
We plan on making some changes so that my blog will have categories you can search separately like: recipes, how-to’s, mental health, etc. I would like this site to become more useful to you and me both. But it will be a while before those changes happen because Philip is working his ass off trying to make enough money to stave off the doom and I may be joining him (temporarily) soon. (After my month of no worrying about the coming doom.) Bring on the doom, because the rest of it all has fallen. If there are any friends out there who have been thinking of letting me go or letting me have it, I suggest you do it now so that I can just get it all out of the way and get on with living. I will never forgive you if you wait until later.
- It doesn’t matter how much people think your work is great, it doesn’t matter how many people think your designs rock, that doesn’t mean you will sell enough of it to buy extra bandages with which to sop up the blood you spilled trying to build yourself into something. The proof is in the pudding as some silly people like to say. If you are going to succeed at what you’re doing it won’t take three years to see it coming.
One of the people whose trademarked words I unwittingly used wanted to be kind and suggested that just because I can’t sell my “needle junkie” shirt doesn’t mean I should shut everything down.* She told me my work was great- so creative! From their perspective it’s just the question of that one design. (And all the other ones they’ve trademarked.) But it’s not just that…how many other people have silent trademarks for things I might think up? She still thought that she and I were on the same plane. How can the loser explain to the winner how meaningless their encouragement is? They saved themselves about $40.00 by defending themselves against me. I wonder if those trademarks are going to pay off? What if the next unwitting victim of “branding” decides to challenge them? Will it still be good value?
- There are no original ideas, there are only riffs on the same ideas we all have. Nothing you can think up hasn’t been lifted from somewhere else at least in part. All words have been said. The only thing that really separates us from each other is how we execute our ideas. That and who can give money to the government the fastest. You cannot battle collective thought. I once designed a dress when I was thirteen without ever having seen it anywhere in real life, then as I devoured my first ever Vogue I was shocked to find that some designer named “Beene” got there first. The EXACT same dress. You can’t own ideas. Not really. But go ahead and pay for them if it makes you feel more secure against the competition out there.
There is one thing that I have been very successful at: being a housewife. Keeping house. Urban homesteading. Home keeping. Home making. Whatever you feel comfortable calling it. I’m good at it, I love it, my men-folk love it when I’m doing it because I’m happier with them and my vegetables and not belonging to committees of any kind or having to small talk or defend myself against everyone wanting a piece of my failing business. I shine at home doing what really matters in life anyway: cooking, growing food, nurturing people, nurturing myself, feeding my hens, sewing interesting and sometimes beautiful things that I don’t have to search for in the trademark office or consult over with a lawyer. Home. Ever since first staying home I knew it was something I excelled at. I don’t need to make a salary to know my self worth.
- The most corrosive thing I’ve done for my self esteem in the past few years is try to have a successful business. Why did I do it? All the usual reasons. It seemed like a fun flirtation when I started, back when I didn’t truly need the extra money. Then I was driven insensibly forward by our intense need for money, driven to spend more and more money we didn’t have in an effort to make money. They always say you have to spend money to make money. I don’t know how much you’re supposed to have to spend, but I spent us down to nothing and now I get to sleep with that.
The best thing I ever did for my self esteem was to stay home and not earn a living. I was a housewife even before I was a mother and it was the best, most satisfying, wonderfully fun, rewarding, and freeing job. Every step I take now is to lead me back to that place. I will work for money only when our circumstances absolutely demand it.
I would much rather work for love.
*Philip is right that you can't copyright words, but he's not up to date on his trademark laws, so it turns out that we really are obligated to not sell any garments with the words "needle junkie" on them. This has been the catalyst for me shutting down my business. The proverbial straw. But not the whole reason for giving up. Isn't it classic that the annoying cowardly anonymous hecklers in my happy shirt post turn out to be right? I sure hope they take a moment to pat themselves on the back. And no, I don't care if they are reading this.